COVFEFE CREAM™
“When Words Fail You“
Part of the ongoing series, “Rise of the Turd Reich”, this transcript of a commercial for the consumer product, ‘Covfefe Cream’ highlights the extreme pressures that individuals were under to appear confident in the face of overwhelming evidence of their own incompetence.
TV COMMERCIAL: “COVFEFE CREAM™ – For When Words Fail You”
[Open on a harried press secretary frantically flipping through a thesaurus, sweat pouring down her face as reporters shout actual questions.]
NARRATOR (low, dramatic voice):
Are you tired of getting called out for saying things that don’t make sense?
Do the words “accountability,” “logic,” or “grammar” make your skin itch?
[Cut to an old white man furiously tweeting in bed at 3 a.m., then throwing his phone when autocorrect fails.]
NARRATOR:
Try new Covfefe Cream™!
The only topical ointment approved by the Ministry of Propagastro to soothe linguistic inflammation and help you double down on nonsense with confidence.
🎵 [Cue soothing jingle with harp and kazoo]
🎶 “When you speak and it comes out wrong,
Just covfefe and move along.” 🎶
ON-SCREEN TEXT: ✅ Relieves alternative fact rash
✅ Eases sudden outbreaks of coherence
✅ Forms a protective seal over leaked documents and brain cells
TESTIMONIAL #1:
Trent, 49, “Social Media Commentator,” applies cream while live-streaming.
“Every time I get ratio’d for yelling ‘Fake News!’ at a weather report, I just rub a little Covfefe Cream on my neck and BAM—suddenly I’m the victim again!”
TESTIMONIAL #2:
Marlene, 62, PTA president and full-time Facebook debater:
“I used to break out in hives every time someone mentioned ‘the census.’ With Covfefe Cream, I can now scream 'I did my own research!' with absolutely zero follow-up!”
NARRATOR:
Covfefe Cream isn’t medicine—it’s metaphysical gaslighting in a jar.
Use it on press releases, resumes, marital arguments, or any time you're faced with the haunting specter of facts.
SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE:
👉 Delusional confidence
👉 Increased shouting volume
👉 Temporary immunity to irony
👉 Uncontrollable urges to run for office
🎵 [Final jingle reprise, softly auto-tuned over a foghorn]
🎶 “Don’t apologize or explain…
Just Covfefe and reframe!” 🎶
ANNOUNCER:
Order now and receive our Limited Edition MAGAnese™ Night Cream, guaranteed to smooth over even the deepest wrinkles in logic.
Call within the next 30 minutes and we’ll throw in a Complimentary Dog Whistle™—now in three convenient frequencies: racist, sexist, and “just asking questions.”
