FartNews Tonight

“All Gas, No Facts”

Part of the ongoing series, “Rise of the Turd Reich”, this partial transcript of the nightly news broadcast, ‘FartNews Tonight’ reveals the character of new media in the era of pyric rage and stupidity.

🎙️ FartNews Tonight

"All Gas, No Facts"

[Theme music: frantic brass over a gurgling low-end synth—sounds like the national anthem if it were played through a whoopee cushion.]

[Camera pans to the sleek but suspiciously brown-tinted studio desk, where two anchors sit beneath a giant spinning logo of a flaming diaper with wings.]

CAST:

Chip Blatherman, anchor and full-time outrage recycler
Skye Pander, co-anchor, former Instagram wellness shaman turned demagogue
Segment: The Real Fake News™

ACT I – “Today in Feelings-Based Journalism”

CHIP BLATHERMAN (stone-faced):
Good evening, patriots. Tonight’s top story: Reality continues its blatant attack on the Farterland.
Sources close to my gut suggest that facts may once again be trying to make us feel things. Experts say: No thank you.

SKYE PANDER (nodding gravely):
Chip, as you know, FartNews has a strict policy: we do not report facts unless they are already believed by our viewers.
In tonight’s Breaking Gas Alert™, public schools have been caught once again teaching children to think.

CHIP (gasps):
Absolutely disgusting. Just last week we received reports of a teacher caught explaining “empathy”—an unproven liberal emotion said to be contagious in small classrooms.

SKYE:
Let’s go now to our Education Correspondent, Tuckerina Flame, broadcasting live from inside a locker.

ACT II – “Locker of Truth”

[Tuckerina, helmeted and wearing three American flag pins, peeks out from between vents.]

TUCKERINA FLAME:
Thank you, Skye. I am embedded deep inside a public school, where earlier today a third grader voluntarily shared their crayons—an act some here are calling “communist grooming.”
Principal Snowflake McSafeSpace claims this is “just kindness,” but we all know that’s a gateway behavior.

ACT III – “Weather or Not”

[Cut to Weather segment with retired drill sergeant turned weatherman, Stormy Bombast.]

STORMY:
Tomorrow’s forecast: cloudy with a 70% chance of conspiracy.
A low-pressure system of doubt is pushing hard against your freedoms, folks.
And in California, actual rain is being blamed on Jewish space lasers. Stay dry, stay suspicious.

ACT IV – “Health Report”

SKYE:
In health news, the Surgeon General has issued a warning:
Prolonged exposure to facts may cause dizziness, voting, or an urge to read.

CHIP:
Thankfully, the Farterland has approved a new over-the-counter treatment:
MAGA-Mucil with Covfefe Cream enema packs.
Clinically untested, but emotionally satisfying.

CLOSING

CHIP (smiling coldly):
Remember: if you're unsure whether something is true, ask yourself—does it make you angry?
If yes, it’s real. If no, it’s probably woke.

SKYE (giggling):
And as always—stay outraged, stay constipated.
We’ll be back tomorrow with another episode of…