Say Nothing
“If You See Something, Say Nothing”
Part of the ongoing series, “Rise of the Turd Reich”, this edited transcript of an exchange at the Department of Insecurity, highlights the priorities of the Turd Regime.
Scene: Department of Homeland Insecurity
INT. A DREARY GRAY OFFICE – DAY
A flickering fluorescent light buzzes overhead. The walls are adorned with inspirational posters like “Compliance is Courage” and “If You See Something, Say Nothing.” A portrait of the Supreme Blunderführer hangs askew, giving everyone the side-eye.
Behind a large desk sits Deputy Underfart Gristle Wretch, proudly wearing a sash that reads "Insecurity First!" He’s sorting through a pile of "suspicious activity reports" printed on toilet paper.
WRETCH (grumbling)
Let’s see… “Neighbor used pronouns in public.” Dangerous. “Teenager reading a book without pictures.” Radicalized. “Someone said 'climate change' without sarcastic air quotes.” Subversive.
He rubber-stamps each sheet with a stamp that says "Flush with Extreme Prejudice."
Suddenly, Agent Flatley bursts in, out of breath and wearing riot gear over his pajamas.
FLATLEY
Sir! We’ve got a Code Brown at Sector 9! Someone held the door open for a stranger and said "thank you" with sincerity!
WRETCH (stands up, horrified)
A kindness breach?! In this economy?!
FLATLEY
Worse! They were... smiling. With their eyes. We’re talking possible empathy leakage.
WRETCH
Deploy the Skidmarks. Tell them to double-time it in the armored Rascal scooters.
FLATLEY
But sir, we’re out of tear gas.
WRETCH
Fine! Use the backup supply: Axe Body Spray and passive-aggressive memes!
FLATLEY
Yes, sir! Operation Gaslight is a go!
Flatley runs out. Wretch sits back down, sighs, and opens his desk drawer, revealing a shrine to Ronald McDonald and Ayn Rand.
WRETCH (to himself)
This used to be a country where a man could be wrong loudly and get promoted for it...
He presses a big red button on his desk labeled "PANIC (for ratings)", and a siren wails faintly in the distance — a soothing, familiar fart tone.
