Loose Lips Sink Democracy
The less you know, the more you should consider shutting up.
🎙️ Radio Ad Script: "Know Nothing, Say Nothing"
[Soundbed: Calm, orchestral music—like a 1950s educational film. Birds chirp in the background. A friendly bell chimes once at the top.]
NARRATOR (cheery, authoritative):
This is a message from your local Bureau of Basic Decency.
In these fast-paced times, everyone’s got something to say,.. or tweet.
At the bus stop. At the barber. In line at the post office, shouting about inflation.
But here’s a handy tip, neighbor:
If you don’t know what you’re talking about... you don’t have to say anything at all!
SECOND VOICE (genteel woman):
But what if I feel very strongly?
NARRATOR (warm chuckle):
That’s perfectly natural, Doris.
But feelings aren’t facts.
And shouting them doesn’t make them smarter.
[Soft chime.]
NARRATOR:
Just listen to Jim.
He once called the debt ceiling a “literal roof.”
Now he takes a moment before speaking.
He’s much happier. So are his friends.
SECOND VOICE (wistful):
He hasn’t ruined Thanksgiving since.
NARRATOR:
So remember, America:
Speech is free.
Wisdom is earned.
And silence?
Silence... is golden.
[Music fades to gentle strings.]
[Bell chimes again. Cut to silence.]
🎙️ Radio Ad Script: "Terminal Confidence" (Public Service Announcement)
[Soundbed: Ominous piano arpeggios. Medical-film reel hum. Occasional echo of a ticking clock.]
NARRATOR (clinical, concerned):
This is Dr. Hal Bellington, with an urgent public service announcement.
Across the country, a silent epidemic is spreading.
It affects the judgment. Warps the ego.
And in severe cases... leads to podcasting.
It’s called Terminal Confidence.
SECOND VOICE (sincere, hushed):
One minute, they’re Googling “how to vote.”
The next, they’re lecturing strangers on fiat currency and lizard people.
NARRATOR:
Patients suffering from Terminal Confidence exhibit classic symptoms:
Speaking with total certainty about subjects they barely understand.
Repeating bold claims that begin with “I read somewhere…”
And worst of all: “Doing their own research.”
SECOND VOICE (gravely):
In the comments section.
NARRATOR:
There is no cure.
Only prevention.
Before you vote, consult a reputable source.
Or two. Or three.
Preferably ones that weren’t made by a person yelling in a car.
SECOND VOICE:
Ask your doctor if humility is right for you.
NARRATOR (gently):
Don’t let Terminal Confidence choose your leaders.
Think.
Read.
Then speak. Or not.
[Music fades into a solemn brass tone.]
🎙️ Radio Ad Script: "The American Way"
[Soundbed: Soft jazz piano with a vinyl hiss. Clinking glasses in background.]
NARRATOR (cheerful, clipped):
Ah, democracy. That hallowed tradition where every man gets a say—whether he’s read the Constitution... or just thinks it’s a type of sandwich.
SECOND VOICE (enthusiastic):
Mmm. Ham and habeas corpus!
NARRATOR:
Take Jerry, for instance. Jerry's never missed an election.
Doesn’t know what a midterm is. Thinks NATO is a dog food.
But by golly, he votes.
SECOND VOICE:
Religiously.
NARRATOR:
And why not? It’s the American way. Just walk in, pull a lever, and hope for the best. No reading, no thinking—no pesky comprehension.
SECOND VOICE:
Like jazz, but for governance.
NARRATOR:
So when the next election rolls around, remember:
This isn’t about being informed.
It’s about showing up, and winging it like a red-blooded patriot.
SECOND VOICE:
Because nothing says “civic virtue” like electing politicians based on viral memes.
[Music fades. Vinyl crackle lingers.]
NARRATOR (softly):
The future’s in everyone’s hands. Including Jerry’s.
Cheers.
[Glasses clink. Jazz out.]
