How To Politely Deprogram Your Uncle

Because if we don’t save him, he might start a podcast. (a step-by-step intervention guide)

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🚩 STAGE ONE: IDENTIFY THE CORRUPTION VECTOR

Your uncle may be infected with Narrative Paralysis Syndrome™.

Common symptoms include:

• Starting sentences with “Listen, I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but…”

• Claiming “there are videos they don’t want you to see”

• Insisting he “doesn’t trust experts—except this guy named Craig on Rumble”

If he owns merch with an eagle, snake, or binary code, proceed immediately to Stage Two.

🧽 STAGE TWO: GENTLE SCRUBBING

Begin with mild conversational abrasives.

• 🗣 “That’s wild! Wanna walk me through your source on that?”
  (He won’t. There isn’t one. This buys time.)

• 🧊 “Interesting. But what if—and hear me out—what if you’ve been hypnotized by algorithms and subliminal messaging in the background music?”

• 🍲 “We can keep talking about that, but only if you help me clean the grill while we do.”
  (Sweat disrupts delusion.)

🔄 STAGE THREE: REALITY SUBSTITUTION

Gently introduce replacement stimuli. Use mock-authority tone.

• 📻 “Actually, new studies show 83% of all outrage is caused by constipation and ambient doomscrolling.”

• 🧠 “You’re not wrong, you’re just trapped in a poorly-curated feed.”

💢 STAGE FOUR: PATTERN INTERRUPT (if resistant)

If he begins gesturing with finger guns or shouting “Wake up!”, deploy one of the following:

• Blow a party horn directly at him.
  Bonus: Do not break eye contact.

• Start narrating him in a BBC wildlife voice:
  “The North American Male begins the mating display with loud certainty and a dubious anecdote…”

• Stage a fake counter-conspiracy:
  “Uncle, I just found out the moon landing was real... but the moon is fake.”

🧠 STAGE FIVE: SOFT REBOOT

Once dazed, issue gentle commands:

• “It’s okay, Uncle. You’re safe now. Let’s sit in a shaded area and look at birds.”

• “No one is trying to take your truck.”

• “We respect your freedom, but maybe also thermodynamics.”

✅ DEPROGRAMMING SUCCESSFUL IF:

• He expresses confusion.

• He forgets what he was talking about.

• He laughs.

• He asks what’s in the dip.

If he says, “You know, I never thought of it that way,” immediately end the conversation and walk away. You’ve achieved the maximum.

If we can reach one Uncle… we can save a community.